He Always Knew
by The Muse of Apollo
Summary: From the moment he saw her, he knew she was extraordinary. Spoilers for Still.


Title: He Always Knew

Summary: From the moment he saw her, he knew she was extraordinary. Spoilers for Still.

Disclaimer: I do not own Castle.

 **a.n.** This is the companion piece to _When She Knew_. Same idea, but from Castle's PoV.

oooXXXooo

Richard Castle was an optimist. He always wanted to believe that the best was going to happen, even when he knew it was unlikely. He knew when he married Meredith that he didn't love her, but he told himself it didn't matter, and that he would love her given enough time. He was honest with himself at least, as he knew he was only marrying her because it was what she wanted, and that it was mostly the right thing to do. He hoped that they would fall in love, and they'd create a family together. That had been a false hope. He wouldn't trade Alexis for anything in the world, but marrying her mother had been one of the biggest mistakes of his life.

The divorce after he had caught her cheating on him was tough. Not because of any affection for her, but because of how it effected Alexis. Any fondness he'd had for Meredith went away when she decided not to be a mother to their daughter.

He also knew that he didn't love Gina when he married her. Castle married Gina to give Alexis a mother, and to placate Gina who wanted him (more like wanted his money). At the time he was just lonely, and wanted to have a family. He again hoped that they'd be good together, and that love would come eventually. But it didn't. And he had been so protective of Alexis that Gina never had the chance to become the step-mother he had hoped she would be.

Family.

It is something he always wanted. Without a father, and with a mother who was absent at the best of times, a family was something that a young Richard Rodgers always dreamed about. He'd tried it with both Meredith and Gina, but neither wanted what he wanted. He didn't love them, and they didn't love him. It was sad really.

Then he met Kate Beckett.

He never saw her coming, to be honest. After his divorce from Gina, he gave up on finding love. He became the Playboy he was portrayed as, and didn't really care. The only thing he cared about was Alexis. So he separated his life, and kept his lifestyle away from his little girl as much as possible.

Beckett changed all that within a single night. He knew she was something special the first time he set eyes on her.

oooXXXooo

Castle was shocked at how quickly his feelings for Kate Beckett developed. It wasn't love at first sight or anything as maudlin as that, of course. If she had accepted his invitation for a debriefing after their first case together, they'd have slept together one time and that would have been that. He's sure it would have been great, but neither of them wanted a commitment back then.

It wasn't until she told him about her mother, and he made the idiotic mistake of looking into the Johanna Beckett case behind Kate's back that he knew his feelings ran deeper than simple lust. He wouldn't say he loved her even then, but he knew that he wanted more than a simple roll in the hay.

His feelings remained somewhat confused for the next year. He knew he wanted her, but he wasn't willing yet to say he loved her.

It was when Tom Demming came onto the scene, and Castle witnessed the two detectives kissing outside of the Precinct break room that he knew.

He loved her, and he had lost her. Or at least that was the way it felt. He knew it was his own fault too. If he'd been able to say no to Ellie Monroe, maybe he and Beckett would have continued to grow closer. He could see the disappointment in her eyes when she found out he had slept with the starlet. He was shamed by his actions, and knew that it had probably cost him any chance he'd ever had at being with the beautiful detective. That was why, when Tom Demming asked Castle if there was anything between he and Beckett, he'd said no. She deserved to be happy.

oooXXXooo

After Rick had left with Gina (mistakingly thinking that any companionship was better than none at all), and then come back, things were different.

Castle now felt that they'd needed to go through that heartbreak at the end of their second year. They might have gotten together then, but it probably wouldn't have lasted. Their third year together was spent truly getting to know one another with trips to Remy's and to the movie theater. Neither could have false hopes of getting together romantically because they were with other people. The removal of that pressure brought them together as friends.

He still loved her, of course. And he had told her at the worst possible time. It was no wonder that she had lied about it. What had he been thinking?

Castle's reaction after finding out about her lie was also an embarrassment for him. He was so hurt, and so blind to everything else he had lashed out and hurt her deliberately, something he had promised himself he would never do.

Their first night together was the best night of his life to date, barring Alexis' birth. Their relationship since then was nothing short of amazing. And now he knew that she loved him back. She may have only said it because she was in danger (not that he had been any better when he had said it for the first time), but she had said it. And he knew she meant it.

oooXXXooo

They've had their ups and downs, but he loves her and she loves him. The one thing that he has never doubted is that she is worth every single moment of heartbreak, every minute of danger and intrigue, and every second of waiting. As he watches her sleep after finally getting off of that bomb, he can't help but think about the future.

He wants to marry her.

He never thought he would want that again. But now he knows. He has the ring, and he's going to ask. Soon.

oooXXXooo

 **a.n.2. So there's that. Don't know when I'll get back to Castle. I have some ideas to finish with _Everything Changes_ that are really good, but I need to get them outlined before I can even attempt it. For sure it isn't abandoned, but I need to get it right. I might need to do some rewriting of the first few chaps to get it done well, though.**

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